Every week, I will share a “Let’s Get Real (LGR)” post that focuses on an area where I feel overwhelmed or feel like I’m failing. You can look forward to pictures of my messy house, or confessions of bad parenting. The idea behind LGR is to remind us that we can’t Get it All Right all the time. I want you to see the areas in my life that are getting left behind because I’m focusing on other things. Housework will usually be at the top of that list! I’m also starting a hashtag for instagram and Twitter: #letsgetrealhbom where you can share your own LGR moments. Let’s encourage each other by letting down our guard just a little.
Maybe you have felt it…that shame of not being able to Get It All Right. That feeling of failure, not just in what you do (or don’t do), but in not being enough. Not good enough, not energetic enough, not smart enough, not disciplined enough…you fill in the blanks.
I know I have…just yesterday.
It felt like all of my momentum just melted like a pile of that kinetic sand. You know the stuff…it holds a shape for about a minute, then the edges soften and pretty soon you can’t tell what was there. It’s just a tan blob. That was how my life felt this week.
I had nice sharp edges on my life last week. I had plans, energy, goals, ideas. I felt like there was structure and a scaffolding to hang my thoughts on. I felt like I had control, like I could make things happen, competent.
And then I didn’t.
It started with several days out of the house, busy tiring days. Fun, but off-schedule. And then the baby got sick. (Yeah, it’s not just an excuse on my contact page. It’s a real thing.) He woke up one morning with his little eyes stuck shut and a fever that was alarming, and there went the structure. Just like that. Calls to the doctor, an appointment, new medicine, cancelled playdates…life’s edges got softer as I got more stressed and tired.
And then I didn’t feel so competent or in control. I felt adrift on a makeshift raft. I questioned almost every decision I made last week, worried that I might make a commitment when I feel energetic that the melted sand version of me just can’t follow through on.
This is not a new thing. Not by a long shot. Just when I start to Get Things Right, life trips me up. It’s not fair, and it is SO frustrating.
This morning, I was touched by a song we’ve just started singing at church: The King of My Heart. I was reminded that even when I feel like things are out of control, they (and I) are never out of God’s hands. He is the scaffolding of my life, and He is unmovable and unchangeable, no matter how I feel. And if I feel adrift, I can drift knowing that He is the anchor holding me in place, no matter what I feel.
This is grace. To be loved and held even when I don’t have the energy to cook dinner or clean the house or do much beyond the bare necessities. To be able to trust my Lord to be what I need without having (or being able) to do a thing to earn it. To be able to lay on my raft and drift, knowing He is holding everything together, and that when life gets back on track, He will have kept me right where I need to be.