I turned 44 last week, and as always, it got me introspective. Here are some of my thoughts. Maybe you can identify with some of them.
1. I still think of myself as young. I was saying something Mom-ish to Lily the other day, and I was amazed that she didn’t say, “You’re not the mom! Why are you telling me what to do?” Not because she’s sassy (although she can be) but because how the heck did I get to be the Mom in the room? Aren’t I still just an awkward teenager who only thinks she knows what’s going on?
2. I’m going to be 50 in 6 years. What?? How is that possible? I was just turning 30 and getting married last year. Right? And I don’t have nearly the amount of wisdom I thought I should have by 50. I’m going to need to do some serious wisdom stockpiling over the next 6 years…
3. …Because I’m going to have a 16yo girl in the house when I’m 50. Like I’m going to need that. The Change and a teenage daughter. Y’all just stay away from me that year. Yep, and a 15yo boy, one of God’s silliest creatures, will also be in attendance. And a 7yo boy. It’s gonna be a year.
4. I’m not going to color my hair. I know I’m going gray, and I’m going to own it. Actually, I’m going white, which I kind of like. I was actually hoping a little bit that I would go dramatically white when Graham was born and I lost all that beautiful pregnancy hair. No luck. I’ll have to do it the slow way. But I’ve earned every single white hair and I’m not covering them up (unless I decide to do a wild color. That’s different.).
5. I’m comfortable in my skin. I’ve enjoyed that about my 40s so far. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone or prove myself to others…as much. I haven’t completely eliminated that problem, but I feel so much more OK with who I am than I have at any time in my life. And I’m not nearly as worried about how I look. That could have something to do with covering all the mirrors in the house…just kidding; I just ignore them.
6. I’m happy in my marriage. We’ve had some up years and some down years, but I can say that our marriage is in the most solid place it’s been since we got married–even with a toddler banging and shrieking around the house and a prepubescent girl flouncing in front of the mirror and sulking up and down the stairs and an energetic boy throwing himself on the back of the couch and bugging his extremely sensitive sister. Maybe we just had to band together out of self-preservation, but whatever the reason, we are doing great!
7. I’m more confident in God than ever. That image of the leather armchair just keeps coming back to me as a symbol of God’s utter trustworthiness. I can (and have lately) sink into Him with utmost confidence that He will hold me up. And not only that, but He will comfort me as He does so. I don’t deserve it, but I rely on His loving faithfulness to sustain me when nothing else will.